BUT NOT WHEN THEY MEAN MY FLIGHT IS DELAYED FOR 14 HOURS.
'I'm flying out on Sunday', I have been saying. Well I have been lying to you all.
Monday. I now leave for overseas on Monday. I am an angry angry young woman.
So. I decided to make a will. Because if my luck is bad enough to cause a 14 HOUR DELAY, it is surely bad enough that I will perish on my journey. Logic, folks, pure logic.
So, I bequeath the following:
My money shall be shared equally between my siblings, Anna Martin (for paying off her actors' centre fees), Amy Corderoy (tax debt) and Tish's cats (cos I promised when I was drunk at my farewell)*
* Tish's cats count as one entity when dividing funds as she only had one when aforementioned promise was mumbled at her with a wave of the finger and a 'darn tootin'
Laura Joseph can have my skull. And some bones. These should be fashioned into a skull and crossbones shaped shrine which must remain in Laura's home forever.*
* The money for the cats is dependant on the creation of the shrine. No shrine, no money.
Viv McGregor can have my clothes. cos they fit her. and my CDs. cos she likes them. But in order to receive these bountiful gifts she must promise to listen to 'Wind Beneath My Wings' twice a day and cry loudly and think of me. This must be done in public. Possibly standing on the octagon in front of the hub. During peak hour.
Kylie Benton-Connell can have enough money to replace Raewyn's blender.
Molly (Tregonning, not Vallentine) can have my mother.
Cameron Power can have my ovaries. Providing they are harvestable. So he can have a baby. For scientific proof that this is possible, watch Junior. If Arnie can do it, you can too!
Oh! I have two ovaries, don't I? Adam Powell can have one too then.
My head should be shaved and the hair given to Cat, the friend of Maddie's who wouldn't stop going on about how much she liked my hair. She can fashion it into a wig.* I don't think she really liked my hair. or me. oh well...
* Once said wig is made, can someone please put it on and cook for Amanda Cheong so she is no longer upset at me for not inviting her to my dinner party. In order to give her an authentic experience, get drunk and anxious before she arrives and then talk loudly about yourself all evening. And spill stuff. And don't clean up after. Leave it to your housemates. Or better yet, take it to my old house and leave it for them. Ha!
Liz Boyer shall inherit all my kitchenware and cookbooks on the proviso that before eating any meal she says Grace, replacing God's name with mine.
Sally Shrubb can have any books of mine that she does not already own, of which I doubt there are any. I am sorry Sally. How cheap of me. You can also have anything I own made by Bonds. Oh! And all my Patsy Cline CDs cos Viv won't appreciate them properly like you.
Phoebe Meredith doesn't get anything because she is super organised and already has everything she needs. But I would ask that she play Pacman in front of the congregation at my funeral for a full 3 hours. They must sit in silence and watch.
Speaking of my funeral, can Chloe, Viv, Andrew and Mollyjen please be doing a dance demonstration to all my favourite tunes. Viv, you'll be in charge of music because you'll have my CDs. And no complaining about your knee when dancing.
Kate Duffy can have my violin and my guitar. A pointless gift as she needs neither. But hey, sell them and buy a new violinist.
Inside my wallet is a 9 visit pass to Netown gym (NB: formally a 10 visit pass but I went once). Emma Wood can have this and any hoodies she wants. These won't fit her now, but may be appropriate clothing choices once she is heavily pregnant with Cara's offspring. If Emma & Cara really love me they will name their first-born Maeve.*
* If they don't name it Maeve, can someone go egg their house please?
Burn my diaries. Or read out the funniest parts at my funeral for cheap entertainment.
Keep any love letters written by others. These are mostly amusing and should be saved to use for bribes should an ex become famous. Money from bribes goes to whichever kind soul egged Emma & Cara's house. Or to Emma & Cara if they in fact named a child Maeve. In fact if they did name a child Maeve, she (or he, it's a fairly androgynous name) can have the money.
In fact! Any offspring named after me get anything they want. ANYTHING! Go out now and get pregnant. Before it's too late!
ALL OFFSPRING NAMED MAEVE GUARANTEED AN INHERITANCE OF $20,000 (minus what I've spent already when I perish) GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT! THIS OFFER ONLY VALID FOR 6 MONTHS OF LIFE ENDANGERING TRAVEL! BREED PEOPLE BREED!
* Cats count as offspring. Dogs and fish do not.